Imagine this scene. You’ve come to the office of a business owner for a scheduled meeting. The businessman gets up and leaves his office for several minutes. He has left you alone with a stack of money sitting on his desk. You are a newlywed man wanting to do well by your wife, who you adore. It’s just a couple of days before Christmas, and you aren’t sure you can afford anything that will suitably please her. That money is just sitting there – a whole stack of bills each worth $13,800.
It’s not the present – it’s 1929. The bills are all $1,000
denomination, worth nearly $14,000 each in 2014 dollars. Who’s gonna miss one
bill from a big stack of so many?
The man sitting there staring at that tempting pile of loot
is fictional Dave Lane of Seattle. He’s in the office of Mr. Peter MacIntyre,
in Spokane. Dave is a good man. An honest man. He concludes his business with
Mr. MacIntyre and returns to Seattle.
On Christmas Eve, Dave came home from work and shared some
light banter with his wife Dorothy about their excitement for spending their
first Christmas together as husband and wife. As the two of them shared the
innocent regrets of newlyweds that they had such limited resources, Dave spoke
wistfully of the big stack of thousand dollar bills he had seen in MacIntyre’s
office. Just then, the doorbell rang . . .
Dorothy answered the door. It was a man named Fox, asking to
speak to her husband. She invited the man in and Dave asked him his business.
FOX: Now, Mr. Lane, I just
want you to answer one to two questions.
DAVE: What about?
FOX: About a trip you made
to Spokane
DAVE: Well – what about it?
FOX: Went there to
interview old Mr. MacIntyre, didn’t you?
DAVE: I did – certainly.
FOX: Spent pretty near an
hour alone with him in his office, didn’t you?
DAVE: Of course I did! See
here, what’s all this about?
C’mon, Fox – it’s Christmas Eve, man! What are you bothering
good ‘ol Dave about? All of this is beginning to sound mighty accusatory.
FOX: Just a minute now,
just a minute! During the course of that hour Mr. MacIntyre went out for a
minute and left you alone there. That right?
DAVE: Certainly, it’s right!
Why shouldn’t it be?
FOX: No reason at all.
Now, look here, Mr. Lane
DAVE: Of course I saw them!
They were thousand dollar bills. I was just telling my wife. . .
FOX: Ah, ha! So you admit
it!
Aw, Dave – you couldn’t have! We all thought you were
a good man – an honest man. Says so right up there in the third paragraph. It’s
just gotta be true! Doesn’t it?
FOX: After you left that
office, Lane, one of those bills was missing. You admit you had the opportunity
to lift it.
DAVE: You blinking idiot! So
that’s what it is! Opportunity ! I had the
opportunity to stand on my head, but I didn’t do it!
FOX: Now, young man, you
just keep cool. Are you going to come quietly?
DOROTHY: Oh, Dave – don’t let him . . .
DAVE: Keep cool, honey. This
is just a fool mistake. . . Have you got a warrant?
FOX: Here’s the warrant,
and here’s the transportation for both of us back to Spokane
Oh, phooey. Looks like this Fox character is going to
absolutely ruin Christmas for Dorothy and Dave. The guy might as well be
named Scrooge. But hey – on the upside, looks like they’re about to go for a
ride on the Empire Builder! Woo-hoo!
As he is a good and honest man and all (you remembered that
part, right?), Dave agrees to honor the warrant and accompany Fox back to
Spokane, Christmas Eve or no.
DOROTHY: And – it’s Christmas Eve! (SOBS BRIEFLY.
STOPS) There – I won’t make it any harder for us. Dave – there’s one thing – if
he takes you – I go too!
FOX: Now, lady, you just
set here at home, and take it easy.
DOROTHY: Be quiet – you fool! Dave – do
you hear me?
DAVE: Yes, honey, of course I
hear you. I don’t know what to say. It’s so hard for you either way, there’s
not much to choose.
DOROTHY: I’ve done the choosing! Have I
time to pack a bag?
FOX: If you don’t waste
any time over it you have. We’ve got to be out of here in two shakes of a pig’s
tail.
Being a work of fiction, this radio continuity could easily
have the trio setting out on the Empire Builder any time of day or night, but
since this show was sponsored by the Great Northern Railway, it was appropriate
for the train in the story to closely match the actual scheduled departure time
out of Seattle.
 |
| Departure from King Street Station in Seattle, 6pm |
 |
| Arrival the next morning at Spokane, 4am |
Led by Mr. Fox (the private detective), Dorothy and Dave made
their way to King Street Station to board the Empire Builder. There just
happened to be another character boarding the train that evening – one we’ve
heard from before.
 |
| Empire Builder schedule, Great Northern Railway public timetable for December, 1929. Author’s collection |
PIONEER: Lane? Why, Dave Lane
DAVE: Well, old man – I’m
afraid you won’t think so . . .
DOROTHY: Oh, I’m so glad – so very glad
you’re here! I know you’ll keep Dave safe.
PIONEER: Keep Dave safe? Well. I just
reckon we will! What seems to be the trouble? Who’s this gentleman with you?
DOROTHY: Oh, he’s not a gentleman! He’s a
detective! I mean . . . Oh, well – his name is Fox.
The Old Timer saw Dave in handcuffs and asked what was going on. Dave and Dorothy explained how Fox was taking Dave back to Spokane to face the charges against him. The Old Timer would have none of it.
PIONEER: Well, I can think of at least
two reasons why you couldn’t have done it.
FOX: Is that so?
DOROTHY: Oh, what are they?
PIONEER: Well, the first is that,
knowing old Pete MacIntyre the way I do, I’m dratted sure no one ever got a
thousand dollars away from him without leaving two thousand behind.
FOX: Think you’re smart,
don’t you, mister?
PIONEER: And the second reason is that,
knowing you as I do, Dave, I know you couldn’t steal anything from anybody!
Fox insisted he had evidence of Lane’s guilt, and made it
clear he wasn’t going to back down. The Old Timer managed to cajole Fox into
lightening up a bit.
PIONEER: You may have evidence, but you
haven’t got judgment. They may know crime, where you come from, but where I
live, they know people! . . . Now I tell you what. You just take those fool
handcuffs off this boy, and I’ll help you see to it that he doesn’t get away.
Then we can all three of us go back into the observation car and stretch our
legs. Come on now, sheriff, what do you say?
FOX: Well, I dunno. Ain’t
anybody goin’ to put anything over on me!
PIONEER: It would take a mighty smart
man to do that, now I’m tellin’ you. Pshaw, man, he’s safe enough.
FOX: Cuss it, I’ll do it!
If I don’t there’ll just be more of this talk, talk, talk! Like to talk the
hind leg off a mule, this crowd is! Put out your hands, Lane.
DAVE: Whew! That’s a relief.
The little group moved into the observation car and settled
in. In short order, several members of the onboard train crew joined them there
and initiated a small Christmas celebration. One was dressed like Santa and
handed out some gifts. Then a quartette launched in to several traditional
Christmas carols, “after each of which is laughter and applause from the
passengers,” according to the continuity. At this point the little party drew
to a close, and soon the radio was turned on.
PIONEER: There now. How’d you like
that?
DOROTHY: I liked it, but – but I wish we
were home! It’s Christmas Eve, and we’re . . .
FOX: On the way to jail!
That’s where you are!
DAVE: Just one more peep out
of you, and you can take me for manslaughter instead of theft!
PIONEER: Easy, Dave, easy. Here! Let’s
turn on the radio, and distract our minds a little.
(Orchestra in
slowly with MacGimsey)
PIONEER: Why, this is that whistlin’
feller I’ve heard tell about so often. Let’s listen to him.
(Orchestra and
MacGimsey up full)
DAVE: By George, he is good!
And so is that orchestra.
What’s this? They’re listening to the Empire Builders radio show, while riding on the Empire Builder
train! I hope they don’t call the Old Timer to the microphone on that live
broadcast out of New York . . .
ANNOUNCER: You have been listening to Bob
MacGimsey, an exclusive feature of Empire Builder programs; and to Andy
Sannella’s orchestra. We will now pause for an important local announcement
from Spokane
FOX: I wonder what this is.
Police news, likely.
ANNOUNCER: The Spokesman-Review has been asked to
broadcast the fact that Mr. David
Lane Spokane Spokane Spokane Mr. Lane
With a short
musical bridge, our protagonists came back to the microphone to wrap things up:
DOROTHY: Dave – Dave – I knew it would be
all right!
DAVE: My dear – we’re out of
the night mare.
FOX: Well, now, Mr. Lane
DOROTHY: And we’ll be home – for
Christmas – after all!
PIONEER: Why, of course you will, bless
you both. Well, I’ve got to get along to bed now, but before I go I want to
wish you folks a . . .
D & D: Merry Christmas!
PIONEER: Yes – that’s it – a Merry
Christmas! Well, good night, folks . . . Goodnight! (Music up and fade for announcement)
ANNOUNCER: You have been listening to Empire
Builders, a program sponsored by the Great Northern Railway. Next week at the
same hour you will be presented with another romance of the west. Empire
Builders comes to you from the New York Studios of the National Broadcasting
Company.
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