We’re well into autumn now, and if at this season Empire Builders did not tell a story about fall foliage, pumpkins, Halloween, or Thanksgiving, then the obvious theme would have to be football. And in 1930, there was arguably more interest in college football than the fledgling realm of professional football. Making sports headlines in the west in the fall of 1930 were the Cougars of Washington State College, coached by Orin Ercel “Babe” Hollingbery (1893-1974). The team went undefeated that season, won the Pacific Coast Conference title, and faced the likewise undefeated Alabama Crimson Tide at the 1931 Rose Bowl. |
| 1931 Rose Bowl ticket. Washington State University collection |
ANNOUNCER:
Here they come, folks. The Empire Builder’s pulling a lot of special cars tonight. Going ‘way out west to sit in on a big football game … Darnell College and Kane University, and what a game it’s going to be! Surprises, comedy, a beautiful girl, and a husky halfback. Oh, yes, and our friend the Old Timer, too, to help Darnell win the game.
(BAND OFF – FAINTLY, APPROACHING)
ANNOUNCER:
Here comes the Darnell band now. Listen to that – “Sons of Old Darnell” (HUMS MELODY WITH BAND) Better pile on, folks, get good seats – the train’s going to start in a moment.
(CHEERS UP CLOSER. BAND APPROACHES)
The growing crowd let out three big cheers for Coach Thore of Darnell, and followed that with three cheers for the Empire Builder. The last shouts of “Booooooooard!” ensured everyone climbed aboard, and with two whistles and “wild cheering,” the Empire Builder pulled out with 900 Darnell supporters. The sound effects boys created an atmosphere that brought the scene to the train’s dining car. Coach Thore bumped into his star player, running back Gus Carrick, and began to chew him out for missing his place at the team’s training table at lunch time. With Carrick was Miss Mary Tomlin, who defended Carrick by admitting it was she who talked Carrick into skipping the team lunch to dine instead with her. Coach Thore remonstrated Carrick for his selfish neglect of responsibility, while Mary protested that the star of the team ought to enjoy star treatment. Coach Thore did not agree:
COACH: Now listen! Get this! Nobody on any team I coach rates any special privileges. Playin’ football’s their job till the season’s over – and so long as I’m coaching –
MARY: Mr. Thore, I think you’re an old meanie.
GUS: Aw, listen, coach ---
COACH: Never mind the boloney. I’ll tell you something else about privileges – You, Carrick will have the privilege of sitting on the bench if you break any more of my orders. And you get that, don’t you!
Mary kept pouring it on, protesting that they had only enjoyed a light lunch together. Thore demanded to know what they ate. Mary explained:
MARY: Well we had … let’s see … Wenatchee baked apple, Olympia oyster cocktail, fresh Columbia river salmon, Minnesota mushrooms, a Montana baked potato and some gorgeous Dakota carrots … You know, Mr. Thore, just one of those delightful Empire Builder luncheons.
Naturally, Coach Thore did not object to this lovely and nutritious spread of groceries, but then he found out Carrick topped off lunch with pie. It did not help matters that Mary pointed out that she would not allow Gus to have a third slice of pie. Coach Thore chased off Gus, but asked Mary to hold up a moment so they could chat. Coach asked Mary why she interfered with his training regime for his players. Mary teased that she enjoyed seeing Thore get so wound up, but also confessed that she was quite fond of Carrick. This evolved into a slightly awkward revelation that Coach Thore was still rather fond of Mary – the two had made time together before the football season started (I suppose we’ll have to assume Thore was a young man, possibly a student-coach or something).
Thore took one more parting shot to beseech Mary not to interfere with Darnell’s star player until after the big game against Kane. That’s about the time the Old Timer showed up – and overheard some disparaging predictions about the football game’s outcome.
OLD TIMER: Well, well, Mary … Hello, Thore … Did I just hear someone allow we might get whupped by them Crimson Bears?
COACH: Yes. I said it!
OLD TIMER: Now, now, coach, that’s no way to talk, and I reckon you don’t mean it, either. Why, I’ve been a-following our teams for nigh on forty years and man to man I’d say Darnell’s never had a better squad since Harvard loved Princeton.
COACH: Yeh!
OLD TIMER: No doubt about it … Now just take this Gus Carrick …
MARY: (eagerly) There, Mr. Thore! … Listen to what Old Timer thinks about Gus.
COACH: That’s just who we were talking about, Old Timer. He’s the big problem.
The Old Timer expressed his surprise at the thought of Carrick being considered anything less than a salvation to the team, when another fellow ambled up to the group – a guy with a “thin voice” named Pee-wee. Buzzing with the amount of exuberance – and embraced with about the same degree of affection – as a blood-thirsty mosquito at sunset, Pee-wee launched into his latest pep rally yell . . . “Kazee—kazaa—kazOO! … Kazee—kazaa—kazOO …”
Coach Thore immediately pronounced it rotten, and the Old Timer exclaimed “sounds like a hog call to me, dog my cats.” Undeterred, Pee-wee completed his unpopular cheer. This caused both the coach and the Old Timer to make a hasty exit. Mary, on the other hand, stayed behind with Pee-wee, saying “Never mind, Pee-wee … you sit down and teach it to me.”
Having moved to where he could speak more openly, Coach Thore began to explain his concerns about Gus Carrick. He told the Old Timer that Carrick seemed a bit love-struck, and getting so full of himself it was interfering with his performance on the gridiron. In the last game, which the men agreed should have been an easy win for Darnell, the team barely escaped with a tie, due largely to Carrick’s lackluster effort and his preoccupation with strutting about for Mary’s sake. Coach detailed one example of just how distracted Carrick had become. In the last game, with time winding down and the team needing only to convert an extra point to win it, Carrick came in to kick the ball. The star running back also served as the go-to man for place kicking – he had a reputation for being nearly automatic about kicking extra points. The Old Timer asked him what went wrong.
COACH: He fixed the dirt for the kick … stood up, hitched up his pants, and – now I’m not kidding … He took out a little comb and combed his hair!
OLD TIMER: Great chiggers and chipmunks! Didn’t he have his helmet on?
COACH: Helmet? … No … Won’t wear one anymore … He’s all swelled up … Mary likes his ducky blonde hair.
OLD TIMER: Well I’ll be a jumped-up jack-rabbit.
COACH: Wait a bit! … That isn’t all … After he combed his hair he waved at Mary. Waved, I tell you! … All that before he condescends to step back and signal for the kick!
OLD TIMER: Then what?
COACH: Klein hiked! … Grisley placed it … perfectly! … The line held! … Then … believe it or not … Gus minced up the ball, tripped over his foot, and finally booted it – a mile wide!
Coach Thore told the Old Timer he was ready for drastic action – he was going to bench Carrick and put in a reserve running back in his place. The Old Timer was nearly apoplectic, and even offered to suit up himself.
OLD TIMER: Starting Klinger! Why you might as well put in old Dean Holsnere of Romantic Languages. Or give me a suit! (PAUSE) Dean Holsnere and me played purty good football for Darnell back in ’88.
COACH: I know. Maybe you wouldn’t be so bad at that. Still keep in condition, don’t you?
OLD TIMER: Well, I’m feeling right pert.
COACH: I wish Gus had your spirit.
At this, the Old Timer said he had an idea of how to overcome Carrick’s preoccupation with Mary – and himself. Thore went off, and Mary showed up to join the Old Timer in conversation. Mary said she wouldn’t mind visiting with the Old Timer, because he wasn’t always scolding her the way Coach Thore did.
OLD TIMER: Scolding! Why, does Thore scold you, child?
MARY: Yes, he does – about Gus!
OLD TIMER: Why-y-y Mary! … But a coach’s gotta have some discipline, you know.
MARY: Oh, of course! … But his silly rules about players avoiding girls … They’re too ridiculous!
OLD TIMER: Other coaches have the same rules, Mary. Take Babe Hollingbery at Washington State, f’r instance. He’s even more strict than Thore.
Now you know why I mentioned the real-life success being enjoyed in the fall of 1930 by the Washington State Cougars. By superficial reference, at least, they were a part of this radio story. And then, of course, there’s the fact that I’m a Washington State alum myself. Go Cougs.
Mary and the Old Timer talked about the unfortunate outcome of the last game, and how Carrick played without his helmet, and stopped to comb his hair. Mary didn’t make much of it, but the Old Timer asked, “Well that is a mite – unusual, don’t you think?” Mary protested that Gus only did that to keep the hair out of his eyes. That’s when the Old Timer began to put his little plan into motion.
OLD TIMER: Well, we got to see that Gus’s hair don’t get in his eyes, tonight, Mary … And I’ve got a plan. If you and I can work it out we’ve just about got that game won.
MARY: You don’t mean anything that would spoil his hair, do you, Old Timer … He’s got awfully nice hair.
OLD TIMER: We’ll make it even purtier.
MARY: Gee! How?
OLD TIMER: Well you see … there’s a mighty fine barber shop right here on the train .. .and a dandy barber … and a hair-dresser and …
Being a radio broadcast, the studio musicians came up with some music and a group of “college students” worked through the train car singing their alma mater or some such. As the music faded out, the dialogue came up again between Mary and the Old Timer. The radio listeners missed the detail of what they had just discussed, but heard the part where Mary agreed to the Old Timer’s plan. To me, this is an intriguing device of dialogue and music (and/or sound effects) to advance part of the story without revealing the specifics. Today we are all too familiar with this technique, but on the radio in 1930, I suspect this was still a fairly fresh approach.
With more music, the story transitioned to the stadium and the scene of the big game. Several anxious voices chimed in with concerns about the absence of Gus Carrick. The players did not seem to know where he was, and the game was about to start. Coach told them to forget about Carrick and get their heads in the game. The Old Timer was on the sideline, and mentioned something about Gus, to which the coach replied he figured he'd have to put Carrick into the game at some point. The Old Timer’s scheme began to take shape.
OLD TIMER: Well, now, listen, boy – don’t you let him wear a helmet out there tonight.
COACH: Why, what, --
OLD TIMER: Never you mind. You do as I say.
COACH: (laughs) Well, there won’t be much trouble ‘bout that, Old Timer. Won’t tell me what you got up your sleeve, eh?
OLD TIMER: Nope, you’ll see – (both laugh)
(BAND UP WITH STADIUM NOISES)
The next dialogue began with Mary, who was seated in the stadium with Pee-wee and a friend named Helen. Pee-wee kept up with a constant stream of his own made-up cheers, while Mary and Helen’s conversation informed the listening audience that it was the start of the third quarter, and good old Darnell was losing to Kane, 13-0. The Darnell players once again took the field, and this time Gus Carrick was in the pack. But he was wearing his helmet.
COACH: What’s the idea of the helmet tonight, Gus? You don’t usually …
GUS: Aw, listen coach … I gotta wear it …
COACH: Yeah!
GUS: It’s kinda chilly tonight, coach, and …
COACH: Take it off.
GUS: Aw, coach … you never used to …
COACH: Get it off!
GUS: Aw-w-w- Ain’t you always told me …
COACH: Be quick about it! Get me!
GUS: Aw coach, listen … I gotta bad head cold tonight … please, coach …
COACH: Here! I’ll take it.
GUS: Aw … shucks, coach … dog-gone it!
COACH: Get in there at right half! Jump now!
VOICES: Gosh, did you see his hair … Did I? He’s gone dingy as a toad … Must think he’s Apollo or … Julian Eltinge would be my guess … That hair!
Julian Eltinge. There’s a name I had to look up. Turns out he was a real person, who in 1930 was quite well known for his career performing as a female impersonator. Big hair. Make-up. Effeminate. Mary and Helen were up again with their conversation:
HELEN: Good heavens, Mary, what’s happened to your sweetie’s hair?
MARY: Oh, Helen … I … Oh …
HELEN: Those cute curls! (sarcastic) Oh, the dear thing! What in the world’s he done – marcelled it?
MARY: (sharply) Well, the crowd doesn’t seem to care.
Helen was correct – in respect to the Darnell fans. The Kane fans, on the other hand, were merciless.
(KANE CHEER LEADER IN DISTANCE)
All right, gang … Let’s give it back to them … Three jeers for Darnell’s prize beauty …. Miss Goldilocks.
THRONG IN DISTANCE: Rah, Rah, Rah – Miss Goldilocks ….
Rah, Rah, Rah – Miss Goldilocks ….
Rah, Rah, Rah – Miss Goldilocks ….
(laughter)
Gus Carrick was somewhat vain. And proud. And at this point, angry. Quite stirred up, actually. Not unlike Ferdinand the bull, after being stung in the rump by a bee. Oh, goodness. Look out, Kane. But the Kane players heaped it on poor Gus, too.
GUS: (tensely) Gimme the ball, Gates … Gimme it … I’ll smash ‘em … I’ll show them … gimme the ball.
VOICE 1: Hey, darling, if you ever get the ball bring it this way. I just love big bold football players!
GUS: (threateningly) You ….
VOICE 2: Whoops, dearie! You must come over! Haw, Haw, Haw!
GUS: I’m going to bust your face, you –
VOICE 3: Oh, goody, goody, Gussie’s getting mad.
VOICE 4: Oh girls, he’s blushing!
GUS: Grrr!
Well, if you know anything about the Seattle Seahawks’ running back, Marshawn Lynch, I guess you could say Gus found his “beast mode.” Naturally, the game ended with a win for good old Darnell (28-13), with Gus turning into a one-man wrecking crew. He scored every touchdown for Darnell. Coach Thore shared his amazement with the Old Timer.
COACH: Sure keyed up today.
OLD TIMER: Keyed up! Plumb full o’ riot, rampage and wrath, I’d say. Bless my soul, I didn’t know they could wrap up so much turbulence and tumult in any one man.
COACH: Sure surprised me. Something seemed to …
OLD TIMER: To get his mind off his girl. Sure, supposin’ you had a marcel .. assuming you had some hair, which you ain’t … wouldn’t it sort of stir you up and rile you some.
Gus came off the field, acting rather gloomy. He was eager to track down Mary, but not before he could rid himself of the embarrassing hairdo. The musicians and sound effects crew transitioned the listeners to the train station, with an ebullient crowd still basking in the glow of their team’s dramatic victory. There seemed to be something else stirring them up, though …
OLD TIMER: What’s all the excitement now, by hokey!
COACH: It’s Mary.
GUS: Mary … and the gang’s throwing rice an’ things … Gosh!
VOICES: Three cheers for Mary! … Good luck, Mary! All the best, Mary … Happy honeymoon … Bye! Mary!
COACH: Well I’ll be a son of a gun!
GUS: Aw heck! …. Aw-w-w-w-w- …
OLD TIMER: Dog my cats! And look at the groom!
COACH & GUS: PEE WEE!
OLD TIMER: Well, you can’t never tell about women!
In the span of a thirty-minute radio play, the Empire Builders were not shy about having whirlwind romances and impulsive matrimonial decisions drive the story line. It would seem Pee-wee’s football cheers (or something) wooed Mary enough to want to be his wife. Ummm…. okay. And so, on that happy note, Ted Pearson came back to wrap things up.
ANNOUNCER:
The Empire Builder this fall will carry many a jolly crowd, many a husky team, to the scenes of football conflict, East and West. From Chicago to the Pacific Northwest is but a pleasant short journey, when you’re routed via the Empire Builder! Spacious, comfortable lounges – delicious Great Northern meals – restful sleep o’ nights on triple coil springs and mattresses soft as a featherbed … what more of travel comfort can anyone ask?
If you’re going West – or East – to any of the intersectional games, ask to have your ticket read “via Great Northern” – the beautiful scenic, comfortable, route of the Empire Builder and the Oriental Limited … two of the finest transcontinental trains in America.
Tonight’s playlet again presented Harvey Hays as the Old Timer. Bernardine Flynn played Mary; Don Ameche, Gus Carrick. Coach Thore was played by Bob White, and Mary’s friend Helen was Lucille Husting. The orchestra and band were under the direction of Josef Koestner.
This is Ted Pearson speaking. EMPIRE BUILDERS comes to you from the Chicago Studios of the National Broadcasting Company.
(TRAIN UP AND OUT. MUSIC.)
Until next time, keep those dials tuned to Empire Builders!
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